I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I will pee on everything he values.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
