He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
