i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
