from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
