waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
