Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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