i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
