If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
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