then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
We named our party play list daddy issues
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
