I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
