Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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