fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
