Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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