I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
