I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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