I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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