Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
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