i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
