textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
