So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
