She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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