tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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