I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
