You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
