im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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