He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
