I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
