I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
