Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
