Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Please don't give away my fajitas
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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