is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
