Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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