So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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