Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
