new low.... made out with someone while peeing
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
