I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
