i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
