Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Randomize
