My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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