I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
