toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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