no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
how drunk are you?
Several
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
