I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
