Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
