I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
