When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
