You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
