I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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