I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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