Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
