I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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